being messy

my room is a complete disaster right now.

very rarely do i let things get out of order. i've always lived by the motto, 'everything has a place and everything is in its place.' even when that place is a deep shove under the bed, i like stuff to be put away. tidy. organized.

right now, it's just messy.

kind of like my life.

but it's an organized mess--all this stuff has somewhere to go. for the first time in a month, maybe even since i left ram village in may, there is room for me to unpack & settle in, make myself at home. i just need to get around to putting things away. or any many cases now that i'm home for good from unc, finding a new place to put it away.

kind of like my life.

right now my life feels like an upturned trash can. thoughts & emotions flying everywhere, scattered ambitions, questions and misgivings, age-old doubts rotting on the floor. i need to take a minute & delight in this mess. jump into the dumpster & just sit on the junk.

a time for me to just be. when have i ever done that? when have i not been moving, been going, defining myself by my goals & my success?

what if i let God put this mess away? when He's ready. and i get to just sit here & take it all in, drowning in His goodness & love. realizing that the Gospel is all about Jesus coming to pick up our mess & set it right Himself.

what if this is my chance to see who He really is? to stop moving & start listening for His still, small voice.

........

to all my friends--i love yall more than i can express. when i feel like a failure, you tell me that you're proud of me, that i have strength. you hug me from across many miles. you pray for me & listen to me verbally process. thank you.

by way of explanation--the musical

Sanctus Real, "Whatever You're Doing":

It's time for healing, time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone, time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything, I surrender

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

(not verbatim for what's going on with me, but pretty darn close)

by way of explanation

after verbally processing a lot of things that have been stewing over these last three weeks--this is what came out. i needed to write it all down so i could communicate things fairly to my boss. i gave this to him, so here it is for yall to hopefully understand as well.

i'm sorry if i've been facetious, even on this blog where my hope was to uphold honestly & transparency for you, the people i love the most. so here it is now--the nitty-gritty of how i've been feeling & what led me to the decision to leave the internship in KY.

i want to give myself wholly, heart & spirit. not get the job done & feel empty at the end of the day.

my explanation follows:

I am not passionate enough about this work.

--I came into this opportunity hoping to have the chance to explore a ministry outside of children’s so I could determine if that was the ultimate place God wanted me. I thought youth work would be a great place to do that, but I’ve already come to see that this is not fair on my part. I’m not all in. I have no idea what I’m doing & I’m not really excited about doing it. With all our planning we’ve been doing, I feel about 20% excited about the opportunities for ministry, and 80% unsure and inadequate. I don’t want to keep lying to you or to myself or to the kids when my heart is with children’s ministry. I keep thinking about finding a children’s ministry internship when I finish this year, or going to school for children’s ministry when I’m done here. I even got jealous of the Crossroads children’s ministry internship announcement, wishing that I could be doing that instead if I was going to be out here. Clearly this shows that my heart is not in the right place, and I know that you want someone on your team who is 100% youth-driven. I see that in Derek very much, but I don’t see that in myself and I don’t think that’s fair for anyone.
--I feel God has gifted me for children’s ministry, and that is where my passion lies as well.

This all happened too fast & I think on both sides we’re guilty of diving in without looking.

--I had a whirlwind college experience trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. For a while I was settled on children’s ministry, but when I decided to drop out of the school of education, I got nervous about pursuing any type of work with children. I wanted to make sure that’s where I belonged by trying something else for a while instead. That’s how I ended up here instead of with a children’s ministry internship somewhere. I can see now that that was a decision that wasn’t well thought through. If I wanted to explore other areas of ministry, I should have done so in a less fully-involved capacity. This is full-time work for a year away from home, and I don’t think I’m cut out for it. To be honest, I haven’t enjoyed the work so far, and I know it’s only been a time of adjustment & transition, but as I said above, I don’t think I have the passion for this work, so I don’t foresee myself flourishing as things progress.

--I think I looked really good on paper & perhaps that hasn’t translated as well as we both hoped to the actual job. I find it a little strange that I didn’t have to fill out an application or give any references—everything happened so fast. I sometimes am not sure if you’re aware that I have no background in youth work, for example when you asked me one day whether I had taken youth ministry classes in college. I have no experience in this field & I think it was my hope that I could translate my work in children’s ministry & my leadership in my college ministry into some kind of youth ministry compromise. That certainly is a mistaken impression of my own, which I can now clearly see.

I think God wants me to experience failure

--I’ve been struggling with call since I’ve been here. Why would God bring me here to be miserable? I have been trying to trust that He knows better than I do what I’m doing here, but now I begin to see that perhaps God wanted me to come here & fall flat on my face. He wanted to show me that I can’t do everything. He wanted me to face failure & have to deal with it. To crawl away with my tail between my legs for the first time in my life. To not be perfect. To not be able to handle a job with finesse, skill, and passion. To recognize that I’ve messed up & made a rash decision, and to deal with the repercussions of that decision.

I’d like to pull out before I become too committed—before small groups start, etc

--I know that I’m letting you down, especially after we made all these great plans at the overnight retreat. But truly I think it’s best if I do this now before things have even gotten off the ground. Right now it is all ideas—things that can certainly materialize without me. I wish I could be here for the young women of this ministry, but I know there are leaders who can step up & fill the need for girls’ ministry.
--I feel a lot better about leaving now before I’ve connected deeply with much of anyone, instead of having kids feel like I’m deserting them after having been here a couple months or something.

I feel completely unconnected

--I like my roommates a lot but don’t feel that we have a lot in common or that they’ve been overly welcoming
--Likewise with the college small group. I feel like I’m barging into the middle of things, and though they are kind, I’ll never catch up but always be on the outside.
--Coming in 6 weeks after Derek has also been hard. He’s already established himself here, and has been interacting with the kids once a month this whole year. And he’s from KY, so he has a brother here & a girlfriend nearby. The contrast between his connectedness & my lack thereof is stark.

I’m miserable away from home in NC, my family, and friends. I’m worried about getting depressed.

--I’ve been really lonely. Again, I understand that’s part of transitioning, but it’s been far worse than I was expecting. I think I took on too many transitions at once—away from college, away from NC, away from family & friends. I don’t think I can handle all of these at once, and at least by going back home I will be dealing more primarily with just the transition from college into work/”the real world” instead of that transition plus the transition of a new place and new friends, completely separated from family & friends.

prayer request

i've decided to leave lexington & i'm coming home tomorrow to start over.

more to come on this, i promise.

your continued prayers would be very much appreciated.

sharp shootin'

i hardly even know what just happened in my life over the past two days. but i am going to try & explain it to you. be warned.

yesterday morning i left church with scott, tim, and derek. we had an xsm staff overnight retreat to plan for the upcoming year. your first hint about the character of the weekend--none of us knew where scott was taking us for this retreat. we headed out of lexington, and after backtracking through smalltown, kentucky, usa we ended up at this place called canoe creek lodge (or some such name). even though we were literally in the middle of nowhere, it looked nice. and then we walked in the door. friends, there were enough stuffed animals in that room to send the children of 5 taxidermists to college. now certainly there are people in north carolina who hunt... i do not know any of them. most people from chapel hill/unc upon walking into that room would've reacted in a similar manner that i did (at one point i curled up in the fetal position on a couch...only somewhat jokingly) or far worse--running in the opposite direction might have been appropriate.

fortunately, the place we were staying for the night was across the property & was virtually dead-animal free. we settled in there, then came back to the main lodge. while our hostess prepared lunch, we took a golf-cart tour of the clay pigeon course. i had a lot of fun driving, until i nearly killed my boss & i driving down this death-drop of a gravel hill (rachel--several times over the course of this weekend, i experienced similar feelings to yours in denali. less justified feelings, perhaps, but the same ones, nonetheless). and as if driving a golf-cart for the first time was not enough, after lunch we shot guns. real ones, with bullets. (well, that's one check off the ole bucket list that i don't recall even writing down) i sort-of-kind-of hit the target, and it was actually a bit exhilarating, but i have no desire to partake again. this is what i get for being one female working with 3 guys all year.

after that we did a lot of work, which was really good. for dinner we decided to drive way back down the road towards lexington to a new shopping center with a movie theater so we could see the dark knight. we ate at a japanese steakhouse beforehand, which brought about the third first of the day--eating whole bites of sushi rolls...and liking it! ugh, but i haven't ate as much as i ate last night in a long while. another symptom of being around guys perhaps? the movie afterwards ended up being really good--not something that would normally be on the top of my list, but with all the hype i definitely wanted to check it out. christian bale is hot, heath ledger was astounding--that got me through (haha, just kidding). it was very disturbing (which means it was done well) and had an all-star cast. really long though, but good. of course on the way up the long, creepy, deserted driveway back to the house later that night, scott thought it would be funny to stop the car halfway up and cut off all the lights. no, not scary at all in deliverance-ville, KY. nor did it help that the doors of the house where we were staying had been unlocked all night because the lady didn't give us a key.

still yet, i slept long & hard after all the day's excitement. only minimal nightmares. waking up in the morning, eating breakfast outside, and taking some time to talk with God in the middle of an amazing natural setting was really good. i read in Micah 7 and Colossians--such beautiful words about the supremacy of Christ (the "all things" hymn). all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things and in Him all things hold together. Likewise the words in chapter 3: "as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with..." these good things. Over all these put on love and let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts! What truth & beauty!

while talking to God, i was thinking about the relient k song, "i'm a little more than useless." and i heard God answer, "and that is enough." He is awesome for loving me. for loving us.

our morning meeting was a marathon of calendar planning. we've got it all laid out--which makes it seem like the year is going to fly by, and i'm sure it will! that planning portion took longer than expected, so instead of venturing out for a lunch break, it was decided (pretty much by the male consensus) to just "snack on" the foods we had. which was trail mix, chips, popcorn, and cookies. yea, i still feel nauseous. that is not lunch. next time i think i'll fast.

but we got a lot of awesome stuff done on this retreat & i'm very excited about the upcoming year! now it is my prayer that these things will be actualized, with our combined efforts, with help from willing leaders, and with the input and direction of the students.

my own personal goal is to make sure (as likewise the ministry--and every ministry--seeks to do) Christ stays at the center for me & in the work that I do. it must be so easy for Jesus to slip out of all these activities and events and plans and gatherings. if He does, then none of it matters. it's a careful balance to maintain. you can't just beat someone (especially a teenager) over the head with a Bible and expect them to keep coming back for more. my challenge will be to find my own balance as a minister of fellowship/fun and of spiritual growth.

opportunities knock

excitement abounds in the XSM ministry! though i'm sure the kids are dreading it, i'm looking forward to the start of school when a lot of new programs and ministries will get off the ground.

this weekend we did a short n' sweet skit in the high school service. very basic, little rehearsal required--but the girls were SOO excited. one told me she hadn't slept the night before she was so pumped, and another said just what we wanted to hear: "you know, i can't sing very well but i love acting so i'm so glad i get to participate in the service." we're hoping to get this creative team rolling so more kids can participate in things like dramas, and hopefully dance, art, photography, etc & realize how that is beautiful worship unto the Lord! there's interest in doing the Lifehouse "Everything" skit (check it out here), which the youth at my church in Charlotte did right before I left. It was extremely powerful, and I'm excited to hear that the kids here want to perform it--both in their youth service & hopefully in the main service.

lots of other things in ministry to get excited about--we have an XSM staff retreat this week where we're going to plan TONS of stuff. i know that will get me super motivated & eager to dive in, even though it will be a lot of legwork. plus next week we're heading off to Panama City! i get to throw in a few community games suggestions for this retreat. IV folks, you'll be happy to know that i've suggested Bible roulette, funky chicken, and train wreck (plus I played altered beast with the middle schoolers this past week). and for any glee club ladies out there--i thought get-to-know you bingo would be good too (minus the question about who owns more than 10 pairs of pink underwear! haha)

ps--i hope to take some pictures soon of my office & house for y'all to see. i know you're waiting with bated breath :)

settling in

i'm currently having "a big night in" (according to the oxygen channel) with the phantom of the opera. i think they did an impressive job with this movie, and those soul-pounding organ chords alone are enough to give me the shivers. i love that movie musicals are big again! here's a few thoughts through the commercials...

i've decided to be at peace here. to save each day's worries for its own. to trust God's sovereignty. to recognize that coming here was more of a leap of faith than i realized, and to remember that God has carried me to a safe landing through previous leaps. to accept a few weeks of solitude while i adjust, and rejoice in the great multitude of dear friends i left behind, whose presence i am now missing.

even as i write this my new roommate Constance just called to invite me out for ice cream with her & her babysitting charge. last night another roomie, Crystal, invited me to see The Dark Knight (though several sold-out showings turned the evening into a late dinner out). i am well looked after :)

okay--back. sorry NC folks, but they have this ice cream place called Graeter's that really is quite better than most stuff we have. mmm delish.

so even though things are different, i've really just got a new set of circumstances--what's important has stayed true. i've traded in franklin st, cameron ave, and manning drive for richmond rd, todds rd, and man-o-war. i no longer attend chapel hill bible or LOC, but crossroads. i can't meet face-to-face with sara & susanna for discipleship any longer, but i have a whole youth group full of young girls to mentor.

i miss living with kristen and mallory, and hearing mallory run the vacuum at the strangest times. i miss seeing katie at the gym on monday and wednesday mornings. i miss cracking up with anna & alison & hunter in glee club & rolling my eyes at betsey across the room. i miss meeting rachel in the parking lot after rehearsal on wednesdays & heading over for dinner & soul-searching at kristen's. i miss tuesday night life group & sunday morning in the nursery at church. i miss IV on thursday nights and the endless mingling afterwards. i miss walking across the quad & sitting in the union. i miss zumba class with holly. i miss living with amanda & ashleigh, finding ourselves in either supremely deep conversations or facebook flair searches . i miss these things, but now must cherish them as memories, looking forward to the times when they will be revisited, and trusting in the new experiences i will build here.

***

on another note entirely...

i had one of those "i immediately regret this decision" moments today--a big one. a big, ironic, kick-yourself-in-the-toosh kind of moment. i was sitting in starbucks (in the most comfortable reading chair EVER by the way) reading a book that was given to me at Crossroads, called Unchristian. The book is written by a Christian research analyst who did a huge project on the perception and reality of Christian living--and how both are pretty decidedly Unchristian. The point of the book, of course, is to raise awareness of these discrepancies for believers so that we may do something about it. Anyway, it's one of those books that I'll read in public places with the cover pointedly facing outward, instead of on my lap, in the hopes that someone would strike up a conversation with me about it. Lo and behold, that was exactly what happened today--sort of. As I was closing the book & heading out the door, a man across from me asked if I was reading something interesting (I don't know if he could even see the cover title, but nonetheless...). I said yes & gave him a brief synopsis, which was thereafter followed by an awkward pause, and a comment on the comfy-ness of said chair. I then bid him good day and walked out the door. I didn't even make it to my car before I had come up with what I should have said. Clearly I didn't pursue the conversation with this man far enough to know whether he was a Christian or an atheist or a seeker or what have you, but clearly this was a heaven-sent moment where I could have shared my faith and engaged in a stimulating spiritual conversation. Could have. But I left.

A couple years ago at Rockbridge (Intervarsity's summer camp) I was in the track called Good News, which was about evangelism. One of our speakers within the track shared a story about witnessing on campus, beginning with his realization that we can boldly ask God for opportunities to evangelize. He made that prayer, and saw it through to fulfillment. Today was such an opportunity. I don't know what would've happened--he could've shut down the minute I started throwing spiritual jargon around, or we could have sat and talked for an hour & I could have left after inviting him to church this weekend.

The irony, of course, is that i was reading this book called Unchristian. The particular chapter I was in was addressing hypocrisy, and particularly some statistics that showed no significant difference between the lifestyles of Christians and non-Christians. I've thought about this a lot recently--who am I to even call myself a Christ-follower if my life is no different from anyone else? What good news have I to share if the gospel isn't changing my life? What impact has His world-saving love had on me if I can't be distinguished from the crowd? Jesus was distinguished--He was radical & everyone knew (even if they thought He was crazy) that this man was not living in an ordinary way. Something had affected Him (ie the love of and communion with His Father) & was visibly impacting the way He lived His everyday life. That's what we all need to be doing--and here I am reading about this tragic problem among Christians today, and mourning over that & pondering how I can live in such a way. Then I walk out the door when God literally slaps an occasion down right in front of me.

Forgive me, Lord. Help me to get it someday. I pray You will be generous to grant me more coffee shop opportunities that next time I will have the courage to take.