making plans

how much of my life do i live in the future?

there's always something to look ahead to, always something coming up, always a deadline around the corner. there's always a decision to be made, always a life to plan.

i'm pretty good at making plans. i love my planner. i love filling things in, then crossing them off again. to-do lists are even worse. i have gotten to the point where i feel compelled to write down every little thing i may need to schedule during my day. the calendar feature on my new phone is not going to help. eg i recently set a reminder for myself to send a text to a friend at a certain point later in the week. what does that say about my ability to be a good friend? i can't remember in the moment that i need to send someone a head's up to say, "hey, i'm thinking of you," in the middle of their big day?

and that's just trouble with all this, of course--constantly looking ahead leaves less time to live in the moment. and then moments pass and time continues on and you're left with nostalgia for the past. why does it always have to be looking forward or reaching back and never just being?

it's a product of the culture we live in, i know. and i've done well by that culture. i've been rewarded for my efficient planning and my attention to deadlines and my skills in time management. but my success within that system has led to believe that being anal about planning ahead is the only way that i can function. i think i can't make it through a day if i don't have a to-do list--i'll forget something, and it will probably be something important. and if i'm not ahead of the deadline, then i'll miss it completely.

but despite any fledgling desire to live in the moment, my social location within this culture continues to make it hard for a twenty-something woman in graduate school to be in the present. i have to plan for a career and build a resume and gain experience and decide where i want to live one day. i do think it's important for me to be consistently probing and reevaluating my call, but sometimes i think i forget to enjoy being just where i am--being a student and appreciating the privilege of learning and being in this amazing community with other learners.

and goodness knows, society reminds me, i have to think ahead to getting married. that's certainly not something that just happens overnight. but then it can be hard to just be in relationship. i find myself constantly analyzing and thinking about the future and putting everything in the schema of the big picture. can a moment ever just be a moment? and then there's the tick of that certain special clock that all young female adults know too well. conveniently, like captain hook's ticking crocodile, it shows up at all the wrong moments, tick-tick-ticking in your head until you've forgotten what the sound is for and you're merely conditioned to respond with one thought alone--will i beat the buzzer? (forgive the comparison of babies and sports sounds..it is march madness, after all).

sheesh. well, on a lighter and less psychoanalytic note, what brought all of this on was my afternoon spent making plans for next semester and for my upcoming summer in DC. those are both good things to look forward to--i have the feeling that DC is going to be a really good thing for me. and they also both do require planning in advance, otherwise i won't have a place to live for the summer or classes to take next semester. but again, the problem with all this planning is that it takes my attention away from right now--what i'm doing this semester, the classes i'm taking now. i've sat here this afternoon, charting the course of my second year of school (which, as everyone keeps reminding us, is the hardest one) and i'm looking at two semesters of at least 16 hours each, and i'm trying to cram in all these great classes. should i not stop and reflect about how i was excited for some of the classes in which i am currently enrolled? instead of just living in the excitement (and concurrent anticipation) for the future, shouldn't i try and rediscover the excitement of the now?

there will always be next semester, next summer, next year, next major life event. but, and i say this at the risk of being extremely aphoristic , there's only one right now. and this is going to sound like a bad country song, but it does seem that only looking ahead will accomplish nothing but an arrival at the end of my life without having enjoyed everything fully.

i think i've gotten a little bit better about all this in the past few months. i have friends who help me realize that it's okay to get a little bit behind on schoolwork or not get everything checked off my to-do list for the day in favor of having coffee or watching a silly movie or making dinner together. and the relationship that i'm starting right now is much more focused in the moment than the one i was pursuing last semester (mostly because this one has some tangible 'now' stuff to enjoy, versus the other which was mostly just me waiting around to see if he wanted to start something--ha). and as i work to relinquish control (ah, there's the lurking beast), i start to see that my life doesn't completely fall apart if it's not planned down to the last minute, if i miss dotting a few 'i's and crossing a few 't's.

so here's to trying to live in the now. maybe for tonight, i'll start by refraining from crossing off 'blog' from my to-do list :}