Thursday, May 13, 2010

home(s) and family(ies)

it's the little things that make me feel like i'm back home. stupid things, really--no maybe just quirky. yesterday, as i drove across the state line into north carolina, it was being surrounded by almost all NC plates again. it was hitting that stretch of highway where you can pretty much turn on the mental auto-pilot, because you've driven it so many times, and suddenly find yourself pulling into a familiar cul-de-sac, walking up a familiar driveway to a door that you trust will be open. and then mom's smiling face is there to meet you, as she comes out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a towel. and something smells really good.

it's been nice to be in a full house again. i've been virtually alone in the atlanta house since arden moved out last week. i only saw courtney for a brief few minutes since finals ended--i think she stayed one night and kept mostly to herself. though i've been lonely without any roommates, it's helped me to remember two things about myself: 1) i should always live with people...i wouldn't do solo living well, and 2) if i ever do have to live alone, it shouldn't be in a house, especially not an old one, that creaks. there's still a lot of the little girl in me who is scared to be home alone. and now i don't have to be, for another week at least.

there's something odd about this visit home, though, too. i've decided to stay at dad's house, because things are a bit too crowded at mom's with her two roommates and my grandparents. it makes sense to be here where there's available bedrooms (and AC!). but this house never really turned into a home for me. and my "bedroom" here, which was a little more mine in high school when i still lived here every weekend, has since been converted into an official guest bedroom. what's more...the house is currently being prepped for sale. my dad just took a new job and will be moving to florida! so him and my stepmom are cleaning and consolidating, purging and reorganizing. there's a guy out in the hallway who is stretching out the carpet. soon the pseudo-home will belong to another family entirely and half of my own will relocate to somewhere that i'm sure will feel even less like home to me. let's be honest, in florida--it will be like a vacation home for me, with that weird mix of familiarity and specialness.

easy access to disney though? yes please ;)  my brother did not seem to be quite as excited as i was by the proximity of the new harry potter theme park. he can stay home. fall break, anyone?

we're still missing the one member of the family who we're meant to be celebrating this week--she's still finishing finals, which seems rather unfortunate to one who wrapped up over a week ago.

i miss my atlanta family though, a lot. there are some quality people who're still in town that i'll be fortunate enough to see during my two weeks of summer school. but it's different to have the candler community somewhat disbanded--not seeing each other in class or meeting for lunch in the commons. even the sense of fellowship that comes from complaining together over classes is now gone. and most of my besties are gone. you know, i think there is something really romantic and appealing about being a wanderer, and i certainly do still feel exceptionally lucky to be at a stage in my life where i can still embark upon summer adventures and do something completely different with my life for 3 months of the year. but really, i think i need roots. i will be ready to plant them when that day comes. maybe that's just me being adversive to change. maybe roots isn't even the right word for it--or not the roots that go in the ground, but roots that plant in people.

i guess, really, i've got that now. roots in certain people. they're just far-reaching roots that stretch from atlanta to charlotte to arkansas to DC to chicago, and several places in between and beyond. that probably makes for the strongest tree, right? wide roots. sometimes it doesn't feel like it though. sometimes i just want to be back in chapel hill, in kristen g's living room eating homemade bread and laughing and sobbing with bets and rach. (insert other memories here). but i suppose that's why we spend weeks like this--with family. or why i'm so excited to meet michelle tonight for coffee and catch up. or why i'm over the moon about spending a whole summer in the same city as Betsey and Mallory, with Sarah only 2 hours away in Pennsylvania. those times won't last forever, but they'll be so good. it's what sustains a person, what keeps one loving life and seeking new relationships. knowing the joy found in each other, in sharing life. in being family.