revelations on Revelation

i've been a bit stand-offish with God this week.

which i attribute entirely to the fact that i've been reading through revelation for bible study tonight.

for me, revelation has nice bookends. but the stuff in the middle has really yanked my chain this time around. and i have been completely blindsided by my present irritation with this text. i thought i had made a lot of peace with it. probably because last year my beloved disciple-ee sara wanted to work through rev. together--and as the "leader" of that discussion, i imagine that i squashed down many of my own questions and frustrations to seem more knowledgable and to focus on what she wanted to discuss. and not having studied personally through rev. since then, clearly i was left with a false sense of security--like i owned Revelation. most people are confused by its symbolism and wild imagery, but no sir, not me. i mean, i guided someone else through the book, c'mon, i know what's up.

yea, right. now i've got all these questions swirling around about rapture and "Left Behind" and Darby's dispensationalism and pre- vs. post-milleniallism. it's a feast for the mind of a reli major..

but more significantly, i'm mad. angry because somehow all these wrathful images in Rev. don't correlate with the God I know. i'm vaguely Universalist, i admit it. (though i was somewhat pacified by John's commentary that the earth dwellers suffering through the great tribulation were nonrepentant despite the plagues and killings and death. talk about hard-hearted).

but if i'm honest with myself, it's not just thinking about all those atheists and buddhists and unreached people groups perishing in eternal flame (note the slight sarcasm...i think), but it's questioning where i fit into the picture of eternity. part of that hinges on the unanswerable: will i be alive or dead during the eschaton? and then...am i one of the 144,000? the great multitude? am i taken up in the rapture? is there a rapture? do i have to wait for 1000 years while the martyrs reign before i'm risen in Christ? i consider myself a Christ follower and believe that my salvation rests in Him, but have i messed up too much for my name to be written in the book of Life? am i unworthy to receive His seal on my forehead?

i want to believe, with everything inside me, that the answer to those last two questions is a resounding "no!" but that's what Revelation does to you! it messes with your head.

i guess i should imagine how John felt ;)

today i decided that i would rest in the knowledge of the love of my God and Saviour. the questions may swirl around, but they sure aren't going to be answered by anyone on this earth. Not by Darby, not by the "Left Behind" authors, not by my pastor at bible study tonight. and so we wait. for Him. for Him who loved and died for a people undeserving.

Come, Lord Jesus!