life (still) imperfect

an addendum to my previous post:

i have always been baffled by the paradox presented by Hebrews 10:14--

For by one sacrifice He has made perfect forever those who are being made holy

there is this gap between justifying grace & sanctifying grace. we are described as both having been made perfect AND in the process of being made holy. though we are made perfect through Christ our intercessor in the eyes of God, He is still working in us to sanctify our lives & make us more like Himself.

God saves us and then, by the immeasurable vastness of His love, He displays patience and sacrifice enough to walk with us as we seek to become more holy. to let Him work His sanctifying power. to become more Christlike.

amidst this, we stumble. we sin. we mess up. royally. often.

and is this not the very place where we are called to humble ourselves before our Lord? painfully aware of the difference between our desire and our actualization to be Christlike--here we are knocked over by the constancy of His grace, the depths of His love, the expanse of His faithfulness. here we reckon with Him face-to-face, as He shows us the marks of our sin etched into His hands and then stoops to kiss us on the forehead, dusts us off, and sets us on our way with a reminder that living up to His calling is not an obligation but a act of worship.

brokenness meets repair. sin meets redemption. imperfection meets holiness.

and how very personal this juncture should be. God and His child. God and His beloved.

recently that personal conversation with God regarding my continued failure to live in a Christlike manner (and His utter acceptance of that) was interrupted. i was sent reeling in a state of confusion over why someone i thought i could trust would presume upon my own, very personal reckoning with the Lord in this emotionally delicate period of my life. in this period where my first colossal failure was beginning to show me that God really means unconditional when He says "I love you. "

i feel betrayed. and confused. and thankful for the Christian community that has nurtured me in trust, compassion, and intentionality to which this stands against by contrast. a community that understands how often each of us fails to be Christlike and urges an intimate encounter with God in those places of imperfection & failure. encourages those moments as periods of monumental personal growth and understanding of God's character.

but mostly i feel hurt and saddened. hurt by the image of my own imperfections reflected for me to see, distorted and magnified, as if i hadn't already been staring at them myself. hurt by the need to itemize wrongdoings and angered by my own impulse to retaliate.

saddened that where Christ seeks to heal, make whole, and soften imperfections, we, as ever, get in the way.