i am all out of sorts. this life-after-college thing is hard, especially since i "don't know what to do with my life." how did i get here? and where, oh where, am i going next?
yesterday i traveled to App State with my mom to get my brother settled into his dorm room for his first year of college. my heart was rather heavy just walking around the campus, sensing the familiar sights and sounds of college life. i am excited for what the next four years hold for my brother, but it was an ample reminder that my four years are up. i get kind of sad when i think about carolina. about how nostalgic i would feel even now, a couple months out, walking across campus. about how other people are living in my dorm rooms and filling my leadership roles and taking my favorite classes.
i think it was easier to define myself at unc. i am a senior, i am a religious studies major, i sing in the women's glee club, i co-lead a small group with Intervarsity, i live in Ram Village, i am a basketball fan, i am a Tar Heel.
now? okay, i am a college grad, i am a 22 (rapidly closing in on 23) year-old, and i am wandering rather aimlessly through life right now. and though i know it's not true in the deepest sense, i have no direction and no purpose.
in the words of John Mayer and my dear friend Ann, this is one heck of a quarter-life crisis.
it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. and i'm letting myself slip away from God when i know i need Him most. as if it's His fault i'm in this mess. as if He's discarded me and left me to stifle so I won't give Him the time of day.
i'm ready to do something. and it's frustrating as i realize that my major isn't too terribly practical (unlike the two i switched out of--journalism and education). it's frustrating when even the silly jobs won't call you back. (is this a symptom of the job market or my own shortcomings?) it's frustrating when the one lead you have isn't so much "teaching" as it is babysitting four mornings a week for only a few hours.
it's frustrating when you can only talk to friends over gmail chat or facebook wall posts or even phone calls instead of over dinner or on the couch, face-to-face.
i'm in a slump and i want to know desperately who i am and what i am doing here.
1 comment:
Hang in there, friend. It gets better, I promise. The first few months are just beasts... and I don't mean the soft fluffy cute kind. I mean the kind with huge fangs and toenails aka claws that creep out from under your bed and threaten to eat you alive... But sometime a few months down the road, it gets easier... in the meantime, I love you! and can't wait to talk to you soon!
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