the smallest blessings

okay, honesty check. i've been feeling pretty down on myself lately. half of it is stupid superficial stuff--after spending the weekend at the beach with four beautiful girls, my body image has been on the way low down, being the acne-ridden, pasty skin, still-holding-onto-that-freshmen-10 person that i am. it has been so stinkin hard for me to love myself since my acne came back. but today God told me that part of my understanding His great love is to love myself. prayers for that please. it's not easy.

the other part of my down-in-the-dumps feelings are, of course, coming from the series of days i've spent doing pretty much nothing. all those big "what are you doing with your life" kind of questions swirling around at breakneck speed while I check my email every other hour to see if I've gotten an email back about a job. and should i be doing something more in a career-oriented direction? and where is mr. right? and UGH, i'm not moving back to Chapel Hill this weekend with all those lucky ones who still have more time at Carolina.

on top of all this, of course, i decide to take a few days off from hanging out with God in His Word. which somehow i inevitably do when i need His guidance the most. back at it this morning though after a weird dream--after praying last night for the strength to draw near to Him. not the first time i believe God has communicated something to me through a dream. hmmm. thoughts?

so i returned to my morning meeting with the Lord, and read in 2 Peter 1: "Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord" Okay, so the grace and peace part is nothing out of the ordinary. But I stopped short at the second half of the verse. The very knowledge of God and His salvation act in Christ our Lord should so fill us with grace and peace that we are full to bursting.

Lately, I hardly think I've been tapping into this abundance. Peace is the last thing on my mind when I feel so ill at ease over the aforementioned aspects of my life. So then who the heck am I? Certainly not one who has been touched by the very hand of God. Or not living like one, anyways.

Perhaps now is my time to learn how to live each day in a manner worthy of the Gospel. Even a life lived simply can be a witness for the Lord--no great and earth-shattering ministry is required for others to see the Lord's work in me. But what must be evident always is the effect of the Gospel on my everyday life--the effect of God's love, grace, peace, and hope.

and so i thank Him for the smallest blessings, the traces of the very hand of God on my life. the fact that I'm enjoying precious time with my siblings, laughing & enjoying their company before they head off to college. the opportunity to lead a small group of middle school girls at my church, with hopefully many more venues to serve to follow. a job interview on monday! the chance to do Disciple Bible study this year. the motivation to encourage spiritual growth within a very important, close relationship. the assurance that being back here was the right thing.