God's got a mean headlock

there's something about rainy afternoons and hillsong and setting your toe against the starting line of a grand adventure that will set your soul a-whirling.

i'm antsy. and still swimming in a sea of emotional upheaval from life post-youthworks. and i had a little wrestle with God this morning. a little throw-down over this ordination business. and wouldn't you know, i walked away limping. and without any real clarity. God just doesn't like easy answers, does He?

you see, today was my first meeting with my candidacy mentor. and though it was far less formal than the interview i had with the UMC-Charlotte district superintendant back in May, somehow today i was all torn asunder inside. so i walk inside this ridiculous church (apparently the biggest Methodist church in the whole southeast) and meet this crazy pastor man with a southern accent and a Carolina class ring and a theology library bigger than that of my wildest dreams. and he tells me his story, about how his family is broken and he flipped burgers and did drugs for a while before heeding the call. then all through seminary he fought doubts and uncertainties and personal shortcomings and unworthiness. then at one point in our conversation, he turned to me and asked, "so are you thinking about ordination?" my jaw metaphorically dropped open so wide that you could have shoved his complete collection of Karl Barth's Church Dogmatics down my throat. excuse me, what? you mean i don't have to be all in at this point? and you understand that? you're okay with that? and so i answered honestly--i'm here to check it out. i want to know why i would need this for whatever ministry the LORD ends up leading me into.

i couldn't bring myself to open up just yet about the role my scholarship plays in all this--that my $7000 stipend a year is a big reason i was sitting in that room today. earlier today, talking with God, i was ready to march into the Emory financial aid office and declare that I was tired of fighting this internal battle with myself and tired of wrestling with God Himself over this ordination stipulation--so they can just take their money back & i'll figure something out. perhaps God is teaching me how to depend on Him for resources & calling me to faithfully give up $7000 a year. but i feel like that is the easy way out, crazily enough. so i'm going to walk this path for awhile, and see where it leads. i have the feeling that my world is about to be up-ended when i move next saturday. and when i begin orientation for grad school in less than 2 weeks. when i become an official student of theology on September 1. so despite the fact that i needed to have this meeting today in the midst of my emotional overhaul (dangerous enough) , i think i'll refrain from making major decisions of any kind within this wonky in-between phase.

but let the wrestling match continue...