some other beginning's end

i've spent an inordinate amount of time looking through old journals & blog posts today. it's funny--when i'm writing, i rarely ever flash forward to think about some future version of myself reminiscing over the words i choose to express my feelings & circumstances in that present moment. writing is a release, a way to process, a way to communicate--with God in my journals, with friends & family on the blog. but i've been reading back over past entries (the oldest being from 2001) and doing that reminiscing all the same. i think the fact that all my thoughts are written without that intention of necessarily being read again and are composed instead fully in and for that moment alone--that lends itself to a more honest rendering, a 'me' who was more vulnerable, more candid, more real. i read recorded prayers from my high school self saying thanks to God for an awesome weekend with friends and for a forgotten homework assignment that was conveniently postponed by a particularly intimidating teacher. that's where I was with God at that point. and then i read journal entries from college, from the very midst of my struggles with changing majors. it was beautiful to see how engaged i was with seeking the Lord's will & living for His kingdom--how those things mattered more than anything else in making these HUGE decisions. i read blog posts from this past year about my preschoolers and my Sunday schoolers and about my cat and about applying for grad schools and not knowing where the future was headed.

it's interesting to remember who i've been and where i've come from as i ponder where i am going--where life is about to catapult me head-first, no turning back now. but sitting here on this crux of transition, mere days before i move to Atlanta & begin another life, it can be hard to prepare for what's coming when i still miss what's behind, when there are still days where mourning the endings overwhelms anticipating the beginnings.

today i talked with one of my very best friends--a friend i haven't seen since february (that's not okay). but what are we supposed to do? we live in 2 different states now, not just 2 different dorms. (how sweet that long walk across campus looks now, huh?) and that's how it is with everyone--friends are in California or Boston or DC or Chicago or New York. and we have full-time jobs and husbands and lives outside of the UNC-bubble. and we miss each other. what a radical change it is to have all your closest friends living within a 5 mile radius of one central campus hub, and then suddenly you're scattered across the country, across the world. admittedly, this summer it was hard to hear my YouthWorks teammates make plans for going back to school & seeing friends & getting back into leadership roles on campus. i had home to come back to...and next, a completely new place to get to know. i have phone dates. not real dates. i like real dates so much more.

but there is also a time to look forward. so here's to new relationships (without the loss of old ones) and to a new niche on a new campus and to a new community, a new church, a new house, a new place to discover whoever it is I am becoming.