Day 7: On Community

This morning, in a one-on-one department meeting-turned-confessional, my supervisor asked me if I was happy with my job. I opened up to her about some of my first-year struggles at the school where I work. It felt good to get some of it off my chest with a person who is within the same community and has the additional wisdom and insight of years of experience there. What challenged me about our conversation is this tension I have between wanting to be a part of my workplace community while not wanting to be a part of it because I find it unhealthy. I want to be a part of it because it is where I spend much of my time during the week, and because I value people and collaboration and relationship. Yet I have grown increasingly wary of the worldview this community promotes and the people who so clearly live within that mindset that I want to push against.

I’ve talked with a number of friends and confidantes about how I feel at odds with the culture of this school. I think that has to do with its geographical location, the demographics of the population it serves (which in many cases is also that of its employees), and its identity as a private school. This is not a world with which I’m familiar, and it’s been a difficult culture to break into as a first year teacher. What I’m questioning is, how much do I want to break into it? How much effort do I make to nudge my way in? The real question is this, why should I change myself to fit in with a place and a people that I would otherwise avoid? That sounds really harsh, but, quite frankly, I’m not into the exclusivist, elitist, narcissistic mentality that permeates this place. I don’t even want to pretend to be someone like that (and even if I tried, I know I would fail), nor do I want to promote that kind of living and lifestyle. Everything about it seems to run contrary to kingdom living, which I am far from “having down” but am at least on a lifetime journey of working toward. With my students, I’m doing my best to offer the proverbial yeast of the kingdom that subverts these dominant patterns of thinking and living, but with myself? Staying true to myself and not “playing the game” has led me to feel rather isolated. I miss being in a place where community is valued and people aren’t afraid to share real, mature conversations. I miss being in a workplace with people I love, even when personalities grate against one another or disagreements are had.

It does make me wonder, though—the other communities in which I have been and am currently involved, are these truly inclusive communities, or do I just “fit the mold” in those places, whereas I don’t at work? And in those communities that feel so healthy and good to me, who might be feeling left out? I’d like to think that no one is made to feel that way within the communities that I proudly call my own, and I think of myself as someone who works hard to include everyone. Yet I do want to acknowledge the capacity of all communities (and the people that make them up) to foster in-groups and out-groups. Hopefully my negative experiences of community at my current workplace will lead me to work even harder to build healthy, inclusive communities in the places where I do thrive.

But, the pressing question is, how do I make the most of the workplace in which I find myself? It is what it is (one of my favorite quips), and I’m going to be here for a little while, at least. I’m definitely not going to be untrue to myself in an attempt to befriend people who don’t really like me (and the feeling is mutual), but I also don’t want to be a standoffish bitch or self-isolating loner. It’s hard when being yourself, which in my case normally does enough in the way of making friends (i.e., being friendly, kind, a good listener), has proved somewhat futile. It all has felt very adolescent, a place where you feel pushed to be someone you’re not in order to fit in with people who will probably reject you anyway. I don’t want to play those games. I’m a 27 year old woman, for goodness’ sake. Perhaps my most productive moves will be to work harder to cultivate relationships with those people who are kind and genuine here. They certainly are present at this school, and too often I allow the negative experiences to cloud my perspective on the people here as a whole. I could do better at investing in those relationships that show potential. I know there has come a point when I’ve wanted to stop trying at all because I’ve been so wearied by it all, but I know I need to push myself past that and find the good that is here.

At the end of this reflection (rant?), I must give pause to say how much I deeply love and cherish each of you that I call friend. You make my days so rich and I am so thankful to share life with each of you, in small ways and in big ways. When I have hard days at work because people are mean, I look forward to the renewing community of fro-yo dates, one-on-one conversations over coffee or beer, girls’ nights, small group meetings, lunch after church, heart-to-hearts and soul-searchings. I could not get through this thing called life without you, and I am so thankful to know that I can expect something better than crappy community because I know genuine community exists. Thank you for upholding my faith in the loveliness of people and in the capacity people have to truly care for one another.