Tuesday, June 24, 2008

zero to married in 60 seconds

tonight I attended my last IV event on campus at Carolina. it's been an incredible four year journey of growth and challenges. and even though my time in this particular ministry is over, the ways in which God worked in my life and the friends He blessed me with along the way will stay with me as I continue forward.

since i am departing, i would like to leave a petition with my classmates continuing to serve in InterVarsity's ministry at Carolina. please don't take this critique as my entire ending impression of IV, but I had a good conversation with Katie about this issue over dinner tonight, and some of you may know how it has boiled my blood all year long.

i believe we need to put an end to the expectation placed on Christian young adults to marry early, preferably right out of college to someone you met in your campus ministry. katie and i feel that this expectation has become so pervasive in our subculture that it colors and affects all our relationships--our friendships--with men. we have been conditioned in such a way that every male we meet immediately becomes a potential mate. he is scrutinized, measured up, pictured in a family setting ten years down the road (what our small group liked to call, "from zero to married in 60 seconds"). no wonder it is difficult to form a friendship without that thought lingering in the back of your head, "what if?" and that little voice can haunt every conversation and interaction, creating an unnecessary tension (at least in our minds) that doesn't need to be there.

why do we think this way? i know not everyone does--but is seems an awful lot of women i have talked to go through this thought process at least at some degree. i'm afraid to say it, but it is our Christian culture that tells us that we should get married early, walk the path with the Lord as a couple, and raise good Christian babies ASAP. when every large group speaker for a month straight got up front and told a sweet story about how he met his spouse in InterVarsity at Carolina, everyone looks around and wonders, hmmm, who'll it be? and i praise God for those who have found their spouse or fiancee or significant other within in IV's ministry. but i think if we're going to approach relationships as brothers and sisters in Christ, we need take the focus off building marriages and shift towards building (dare i say it??--raw, intentional, transfor...naw ;) companionships. In the garden, God said, "it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him" (Genesis 2:18).

what gets really dangerous is when one person has the "brothers-and-sisters" mindset and the other has the "fast track to marriage" mindset. good intentioned friendliness can easily go awry, leading to minor heart breaks at the very least. i speak, yes from experience, but also from observation. i don't think this is healthy, friends. but i don't have a solution. there's isn't some way to fix this so no one ever has another awkward relationship. but i fear that a generation is being raised up with an unrealistic marital expectation that colors too many social interactions. and when we're all worrying about whether we're going to find a nice Christian boy or girl to marry, we aren't focusing as completely on our ministry, and that takes away from Christ our center. this shifts the marital institution/ covenant that should be a blessing from God into a distraction and a chasing after worldly security and approval.

guilty.

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God (colossians 3:1-3).

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