being messy

my room is a complete disaster right now.

very rarely do i let things get out of order. i've always lived by the motto, 'everything has a place and everything is in its place.' even when that place is a deep shove under the bed, i like stuff to be put away. tidy. organized.

right now, it's just messy.

kind of like my life.

but it's an organized mess--all this stuff has somewhere to go. for the first time in a month, maybe even since i left ram village in may, there is room for me to unpack & settle in, make myself at home. i just need to get around to putting things away. or any many cases now that i'm home for good from unc, finding a new place to put it away.

kind of like my life.

right now my life feels like an upturned trash can. thoughts & emotions flying everywhere, scattered ambitions, questions and misgivings, age-old doubts rotting on the floor. i need to take a minute & delight in this mess. jump into the dumpster & just sit on the junk.

a time for me to just be. when have i ever done that? when have i not been moving, been going, defining myself by my goals & my success?

what if i let God put this mess away? when He's ready. and i get to just sit here & take it all in, drowning in His goodness & love. realizing that the Gospel is all about Jesus coming to pick up our mess & set it right Himself.

what if this is my chance to see who He really is? to stop moving & start listening for His still, small voice.

........

to all my friends--i love yall more than i can express. when i feel like a failure, you tell me that you're proud of me, that i have strength. you hug me from across many miles. you pray for me & listen to me verbally process. thank you.